Relieving Regrets
by ultra Mag
Summary: Chapter 4: Roy is comatose, while Dick contemplates their relationship. Raven forces him to get some sleep. Something great happens at the end! SpeedyRobin. HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a sequel to my oneshot Think About How Much Fun We Had. (Yeah, I know the title is really long.) So if you haven't read it, then you shouldn't read this story, because you will be lost.

If slash isn't your thing, then click the back button now. Because, I promise, there will be lemons in future chapters.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Teen Titans or DC comics.

_-------------------------------------------------------------_

Chapter 1: Changes

_"Now hang up phone."_

Those were the last words he said to me. I shouldn't have hung up. "Hanging up" meant going through the pain of trying to chase him out of my dreams for the next 3 years.

And 3 years is a long time. A lot can happen in 3 years. A newborn  
changes into a toddler in that amount of time. I wonder if he would change.  
Or forget. What if he had forgotten about me? About us?

I opened my eyes. 

The water of the hot shower rolled down my naked body. I hated my  
bathroom: the small low-flow toilet, that sponge-like rug that would absorb  
ANY odor, and of course, this shower/bathtub that was extremely cramped  
for my 6'2'' frame.

I lived here for so long, and I still haven't stopped complaining. He   
used to tease me about that.

I smile.

God, I miss him. Not having him around extremely damaged my confidence  
and self esteem. I hate admitting that, but its true. I try to fill the   
void in my heart with pale black-haired hoodrat-hoes. They always made  
me feel a little better about myself, but it never lasted long. Then I  
ended up feeling guilty and regretful afterwards. That was another bad habit of  
mine. I always do stupid things, that make me regret the consequences  
and hurt the people around me. I hate myself.

I lay down in the bathtub. It's so narrow and uncomfortable, I have to concave my  
shoulders to fit in, but the warm rain was so relaxing. I don't deserve it.

Why the hell am I having such depressing thoughts? Gotta think happy, I  
mean that's what I'm known for right? I was always happy during rough   
times. Now, I had gotten so good at ignoring pain.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, hmm...

Oh yeah, that night I spent with whatserface...um, Tawni, yeah. Oh,  
that was a good night. 

_Her tan skin shimmered like gold under the fluorescent lights in her  
room. She had shaved the night before. Mmmm.  
She had two fingers spreading her labia open, exposing her inner pink  
lips.  
_  
I enclose my cock with both hands and rub slowly.

_That Latina-inherited black hair spread out against her clean white   
sheets. I move on top of her, gliding my hands up her inner thighs. I bend  
my head down to lick her clit and she half moans and laughs. She wasn't  
acting very innocent, when I could clearly see that she was a virgin. I push my  
tongue into her tight opening. I move my lips back up around her clitoris. _

I rub my hands faster, up and down. The warm water is just adding more   
to the feeling.

_She moans while I rotate from sucking her clit to rubbing with my  
tongue. Her breathing gets faster and her legs flex. _

So do mine.

_I quickly glance up to see her face. Dick is smiling back at me. _

"Ah!" I cum in my hand, utterly disgusted by the thought of Dick's head on a  
woman's body. I watch the semen slowly make its way down the tub and  
swirl around the drain.

What the hell is a matter with me? I seriously think I'm going insane.

I lean my head against the porcelain tub and gently bang the back of my head   
against it.

Why can't I just let go? 3 years should be enough, but it isn't.

The water suddenly feels cold and unwelcome, so I sat up and turned the faucet knob. I push past the shower curtain and wrap a towel around my waist. I feel like I can barely stand. I open the door to my room. The air seems frigid, and pulls the steam off of my back. Somehow, it made me feel numb. Feeling numb felt good.

I threw off my towel, but it accidentally knocked over a picture that was on my nightstand. I picked it up and stared at it.

The whole Titans East team was standing outside in front of the tower. God, we had all changed so much. Jorge and Javier definitely had a growth spurt since they were twelve. Garth's hair was a short and curly back then, now it was past his shoulders. Karen had braces and was flat-chested. Now, well let's just say that she could be a centerfold.

I couldn't help but smile.

Me, especially, had a drastic physical change. I wasn't the skinny boyish hero I used to be.

I looked at myself in the vanity mirror. My shoulders had grown more broad, that made my neck look wide. Which reminded me that I needed to shave, because there was stubble all down my chin and neck. My arms must have bulged triple the size they were in the picture. The biceps, triceps, and forceps were hugely defined.

I flexed both my arms and struck a pose.

I could just imagine me saying "I'll be back." in a Austrian accent. Wow, that was a lame movie.

I carefully set the picture back down and walked over to my dresser. I slipped on some boxers and a T-shirt. It pissed me off that I couldn't find any clean jeans. So I scrambled around the floor searching for an unwashed pair that looked decent.

Great the only good pair of jeans I could find, had a grease stain on the front thigh and was torn at the knees. Oh well. Like anybody will notice, or care for that fact.

After I stepped into them, I felt something hard in the pocket. As soon as I touched it, I knew what it was. My favorite brand of cigarettes. I had been smoking ever since I was old enough to buy them. Now that I was 19, I had to have my pack-a-day.

I flipped over the box and looked at the surgeon general's warning. It's like Dick was the one reading it to me, instead of my conscience. Dick hated drugs period. He would never get drunk with me, always fearing he would lose self control. He was the one who trashed my 'paraphernalia' and held my hand through the rehabilitation process. I remember being naked, lying in a puddle of my own puke and urine. Everytime I think about those nights, I think of the smell and it's like a punch in the gut. But, he would mop everything up, he would help me bathe, he would hug me when I shook uncontrollably, and when he thought I was finally asleep, he would kiss me on the forehead.

I squished the cigarette pack and threw it in the garbage can. He would be proud of me.

Oh God, I was having one of those desperate moments. I needed him. I loved him, and only him, forever Richard Grayson.

I crouched down, and pulled out a cardboard box from underneath my bed. I lifted open the flaps and looked at the contents inside: Birthday and Christmas cards from him and Dinah, my old costume, a scrapbook, and a stack of newspaper articles. There was a newspaper clipping from about a month ago, that I had put in my collection. It was a photo of him, and the other team members, Starfire, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Raven standing over a beaten Cinderblock. I had never met any of them, but I'm sure that if they were his friends, they'd be mine too.

From what they were wearing, including their facial expressions, I could basically tell what their personalities were. Raven was the dull gothic girl, Cyborg was the Mr. Mom, Starfire was the hot girl-next-door alien, and Beast Boy, with his eyes crossed and tongue sticking out, was the funny under dog. And there he was, arms folded, cape angelically waving behind him, and with that trademark smirk lining his face. How could you not respect that?

They all seem pretty happy. And I was jealous of it.

I kicked the box under the bed, then jumped face down on my mattress.

Why didn't I ever call him? Why didn't I ever put in an effort to keep in touch? It was definitely to late now. We might as well be strangers and forget the past because all of the Titans are drifting apart. Some quit super-heroing, and focused more on college. Some of them went to the other side, and either killed themselves or were killed by someone else.

I don't think I'm cut out to be a super hero. All I have are a few trick arrows and a stupid uniform. There's nothing special about me. I'm not even that well-trained in martial arts. I couldn't hold a finger to Robin. I'm probably the weakest member of the entire team.

Sometimes I wonder what drags me out of bed in the morning. What makes me try so hard, when I feel like I've lost all hope?

I heaved a loud sigh and turned over to face the ceiling.

God, I need a cigarette.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in so long! It's because I've been busy in school. God, I hate school. Doesn't everyone? I guess I should stop complaining and just deal with it.

Anyways, back to the story. This chapter is really long, because I probably won't update for a while and I wanted to get far in the story. Yeah, I'm doing Speedy's POV again, well some of it is his POV, until his thoughts kind of...well just read and find out. Okay, this chapter is literally on the brink of becoming rated NC-17. Hopefully I don't get in trouble with the fanfic administrators.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Teen Titans or DC comics.

----------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2: Die Romantic

_My hands tightly gripped the headboard. _

"_Just relax it." He whispered. I felt his hands gently straddle my hips. I was kneeling on the mattress, facing the wall. I took a deep breath and he pushed inside of me. _

_I screamed and felt the burning pain of my skin being stretched. He reassured me by sliding his fingers down to softly rub my erection. _

_He started kissing the back of my neck. Our breaths quickened with every thrust. He clenched onto my chest and I put my hand on the back of his head. _

_He moaned, and I felt him cum. It tingled, and the pain began to subside to pleasure. _

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I groaned and turned over.

_My body shuddered and I shouted out his name. I climaxed and cummed on the pillow. _

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.I swatted and unintentionally slapped my face.

"Damn mosquito." For once, I was having a great dream. Now it was ruined because of a stupid bug.

I turned to my clock on the nightstand. 1:37. Great, that's more than twelve hours of sleep. Even though I'm still tired, I might as well get up. God, I'm cold. My bed feels like no one even slept in it.

I slumped off the bed and staggered into the bathroom. I didn't bother looking at myself in the mirror. There's nothing I need to see.

I turn the hot water knob and wet my hands. I see steam rising out of the sink, but my hands just tingle while being scalded. I'm not feeling anything at all. It's like I'm not even alive anymore.

I shut off the hot water and rubbed my face. My mask was still on. I pulled it off, and doing so, I caught an accidental glimpse of my face in the mirror.

Oh God. Where to begin. My face was so oily, it looked like someone had smeared me with butter. There were zits all along my hairline. My hair was matted. And what's more, it looked like I had lost weight. People usually don't notice weight loss, but mine seemed drastic. My cheekbones were more defined and my arms had lost muscle. The most striking change was my complexion. I wasn't pale, but a soft yellow. Like I had some disease. My body continuously ached. Am I letting myself go? Why the hell am I so depressed?

What if...I killed myself?

Whoa, that thought was outta the blue.

What if I really did **kill **myself?

How would I do it? The classic gun-to-the-head? Or the cartoonish jumping-off-a-building? Nah, both of those take balls. Heroin maybe? Now that would be a sugarcoated way to die.

I think only real question that's stopping me is: Would anyone care if I died? If anyone did come to my funeral, what would they say?

_Roy was such a good...archer?_

_Roy was such a Robin wannabe. _

_Roy was such a lazy, selfish dumbass. _

_Roy was such a pussy for taking the easy way out._

All of those are true. No one will bother to come to my funeral. No one cares. I've saved so many people, and none of them really give a shit about what happens to me, that there will another hero to take my place. I've been a hero for so long, and I still don't have any close friends. Whose supposed to help me, when I need someone to talk to. I only have myself to have conversations with. And I hate myself. Yeah, that's pretty lonely and pathetic.

My stomach growled loudly and it echoed through the bathroom.

Oh well, a last meal wouldn't hurt.

I put my mask back on and hastily dressed myself. Walking down the hall towards the kitchen, was like walking death row. I knew I was going to die, but the rest of the team didn't. I smiled just so they didn't get suspicious.

"You slept past noon again." Garth noted as he followed me into the kitchen. "Ya know, they say that over-sleeping is a sign of depression."

I gave him a look like what he said was foreign.

"Oh yeah, and whose 'they'?" I asked arrogantly while searching the fridge.

"Uh, I dunno. Scientists?" He had a mouthful of cereal while he spoke. "And because of your beauty sleep, I've had to force myself to eat cereal every morning. I miss your cooking."

That's right. I forgot that I can cook. Wow, I'm good at something practically every housewife can do.

I pulled out some bacon and a tomato. A BLT should be pretty good.

"Ugh. When's the last time you bathed?" He had a disgusted face.

I didn't feel like telling him that I hadn't showered in four days.

I had taught myself to block his telepathic power. That was good, because it made us equals in arguments.

"That reminds me, two days ago I told you to take the clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. Well, thanks for slacking off because now all of the clothes smell like mildew. And all of the clothes that were in the dryer are all wrinkled."

I'm slacking off? I really didn't have time for his nagging.

"And another thing, why haven't you been coming to training? You're losing muscle mass by being lazy. So sleeping for half the day and you're not training. Your room is a sty. You haven't showered. You should..."

He doesn't know the shit that I've been through. He doesn't know how hard I train, when he can just use his powers. He doesn't know the pain I've felt for three years. He doesn't know why I'm about to die.

"...really need to pull your head out of your ass and start being apart of the team."

He doesn't know how much I miss _him. _

Instantly, I spun around. My right fist like a flesh-colored blur flying towards his face. My knuckles broke his nose bridge. He didn't have time to react; I was too fast for him. _Speedy. _My left fist pounding in the same place. It was all in slow-motion. Bright, crimson blood staining my fingers and dripped down my arm to my elbow. I couldn't control myself, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to watch him die in pain. Slowly, while suffering.

Karen and the twins were in the kitchen by now. Jorge and Javier pulling me back. Karen was holding a paper towel to Garth's face, and she was staring at me. They all stared at me. They didn't look angry, but confused and appalled. And scared.

"S-speedy, what's wrong?" Karen stammered.

She called me Speedy. Not even my real name. Does she even know my real name? These people don't know me. I'm a stranger in my own home.

I pushed away Jorge and Javier then stormed to the front door. I grabbed my black hoodie from the coat rack.

Nobody was calling me back. They weren't stopping me from leaving. All this time I thought they were my friends. The truth hurts.

I slammed the door behind me and started running down the long driveway. Outside it was gray and dark, which was unusual since it was almost 3:00. We built a beltway from the Titans Tower to the shore of the city, because not everyone can get to a tower on an island. Good for me, because now I can get away from that place, without anyone knowing who I am or...what I'm about to do.

I speed-walked with my hands in my pockets. God, it was cold and windy. So windy, that it actually ruffled my greasy hair. So put my hood over my head.

The pavement was dotting with raindrops. The rainfall began pouring from the swirl of dark clouds. My clothes were drenched and sticking to my body.

I finally reached the city sidewalk, which was illuminated by streetlights. Steam rose out of the gutters. "No Vacancy" shone from neon lights in the windows of cheap motels. Dumpsters and stray cats littered the alleyways. Eyes without bodies followed me from the shadows. It might as well be a ghost town.

I stopped in front of a glass window to a restaurant. People with loved ones, stuffing their faces, and laughing at the same time. I felt like a dog left in the snow at Christmas.

A young couple was sharing dessert by the window I was staring through. The guy looked at me, pointed and laughed. So did the girl. He gave me the finger.

I should go in there and kick his ass for doing that. Does he know who I am? I've saved his life and practically the whole city's, and he goes and pulls that shit. What a prick.

I continued walking down the lonely sidewalk. A pretty girl was about ten feet in front of me. As we crossed paths, I decided to smile at her. She cowered in disgust and actually backed away.

So this is was it feels like to be an outsider. To be shunned and hated by everyone. God, it's not like I was going to rape that girl, all I did was give her a friendly smile. Girls can be so fucked up sometimes.

Ahead, I saw familiar neon signs for certain beer companies. That was the bar where I met Padrino. He was the one who gave me heroin. He was the only face I knew and I liked in Steel City.

I crossed the street and walked inside. I wasn't 21, but I wasn't looking for any alcohol. The bar smelled strongly of cigarettes. God, I needed that last cigarette. People were playing pool and watching wrestling on the TV. I searched the room for that familiar face.

Padrino was sitting at the bar, with his girlfriend-of-the-month standing next to him. He was surrounded by friends, all of them laughing and talking.

"Hey! Padrino!" I yelled across the loud room.

He turned on his bar stool and once he saw me, he beamed. "Pinche Verga, get your ass over here!"

I maneuvered past the pool tables towards him. He was in his late 20's, Puerto Rican, with tattoos on his arms, knuckles and back.

I walked up to him, about to greet him by smacking knuckles. But he grabbed my hand, and studied the dried blood caked on my knuckles. I didn't want to explain how it got there, and I guess he knew that because he didn't intrude.

"I kinda need some pow, but I need works." I told him. Translation: I need heroin, but I don't have any syringes.

He looked confused. I rubbed the blood off on my hoodie.

"I thought you quit." He said. I had a brief thought of Dick helping me kick the habit.

"Uh, I did, but..." I scratched the bottom of my chin.

"Oh, it's fine. But I don't have some with me. We'll go to my place. We're ready to leave anyway." He finished his Corona. I watched his fat girlfriend, who had too much makeup on, squeeze his arm.

"Your place? You better not get fresh with me." I teased. He eyed me.

"You fucker." He muttered. I couldn't help but smile. I'm surprised he didn't beat me for that.

I got in the backseat of his car, him in the driver's seat and his girlfriend in the passenger's. He didn't speak while driving, but 'Clarissa' kept kissing his neck and rubbing his chest. God, she was disgusting. I thought that he could definitely do better. She was so fat. It looked like a walrus was biting his neck. I was about to puke so I looked out the window. We were heading towards the west side of the city. The car stopped in front of a grimey apartment building.

We were walking up the stairwell.

Okay, this is it. I'll be dead within an hour. Gone. Forever. I try to imagine what it must be like to completely stop thinking. Is it like sleeping, knowing that you're never going to wake up? I'll never know what will happen tomorrow. I'll never know what it's like having a family of my own. Do I really want to go through with this?

We walked into Apartment 2B. It was dirty and I could hear a baby crying in the back room.

"Help yourself, man." Padrino had all of the 'equipment' on the coffee table in the front room. He pointed to it and then walked into the backroom; Clarissa followed him.

I sat on the loveseat sofa. It was covered in food crumbs and grease smudges. I stared at the heroin-filled balloons on the table. I opened one and poured some into a spoon. I filled a syringe with some water from a dish, then squirted it into the spoon. Next, I sparked the lighter and held the flame under the spoon. Soon, it dissolved. I pulled back the plunger of the syringe, letting it fill with a suicidal amount of the serum. I swabbed my arm and the needle with an alcohol. Then I held the tip of the needle to the crook of my arm.

Should I really do it? End it now? Would I regret right after I inject?

Why should I regret it? I haven't really accomplished anything that no one else has. And I probably never will. I haven't even passed my remedial classes to graduate high school, and I'm 19. I'm too stupid to go to college. Just like Ollie said, "_You'll be flippin' burgers at McDonald's." _Just like none of the Titans know my name. They've never asked because they don't care.

_No one cares about you, Roy. _

I stabbed the needle into my vein and pushed down the plunger.

Oh my God. I did it. I'm going to die in like five minutes. I won't live to see the future. I could've been more dedicated and graduated high school, maybe then college. I could've patched things up between me and Ollie. I could've had kids. I could've seen Dick again; maybe even tell him I love him. But it's too late. I've lost my last chance.

I felt the drug start to take effect. My muscles were relaxing; becoming heavy and tender. I tried to call for Padrino to come help me, but I was silent. My eyes quickly scanned the room. There was a phone on the wall across the room. I had to get that phone.

Come on! Get up!

My legs wouldn't move. I pushed off the armrest with my arms. I stumbled and landed on my side. I could hear my faint heartbeat fading away with every shallow breath.

This is it. The last ticking seconds of life I have left.

I wish I hadn't let Dick go. I should've not listened to Bruce or Ollie; I should have left with Dick. I should've not drifted apart from him. Why didn't I ever call? No one may care about me, but I care about someone. Is that a reason to live? Is it better to have loved, to have not loved at all? I wish I could hold him for one last time. I wish I could tell him I love him.

His smiling face fluttered through my head.

His warm body, when I hugged him in the meadow.

The pleasure we shared with each other.

GOD, SAVE ME PLEASE! PLEASE HELP! PLEASE! SAVE ME! I'LL MAKE THINGS BETTER! PLEASE! JUST SAVE ME! GOD, PLEASE!

I love you, Dick.

OoOoOoOoO

"Open up! This is a raid!"

Cyborg kicked down the door marked 2B. The Teen Titans stormed the entrance of the apartment; thinking this would be a usual drug bust.

A Hispanic male holding a 9mm, came out of the backroom; followed by a woman screaming at the sight on her living room floor. A red headed man lay face down.

"Put the gun down!" Cyborg ordered, holding up his sonic cannon. The was compliant and slowly laid the gun on the floor.

Robin bent down to the unconscious man, trying to roll him over. Raven summoned hand cuffs with her powers while Starfire and Beast Boy restrained the couple.

"Oh my God! Roy?" Robin shouted while checking to see if the man was breathing. Robin actually looked scared to find out that Roy wasn't. He put two fingers on Roy's jugular vein. 3 heartbeats per 5 seconds.

"Cy, go start the T-Car! Rae, help me lift Roy up! BB and Star, you stay until the police get here!" Robin yelled, trying to be louder than the crying baby.

The Titans, confused, looked at eachother, but decided to follow their leader's absurd orders.

Cyborg ran down the stairwell, while Raven telekineticly raised Roy and lifted him down the stairs.

"Hurry, we have to help him!" For once, Robin sounded desperate.

Raven gently laid Roy in the backseat of the T-Car. Robin and Raven then both climbed in.

Cyborg sped down the freeway, nervously gripping the steering wheel. Raven had one hand on Roy's forehead, the other on his chest. Robin cradled Roy's head in his lap, stroking his hair.

"Speed up, Vic, we need to get Roy to the infirmery. He needs Narcan!" Robin yelled to Cyborg.

Raven stared at Robin, looking very serious. "Richard, is this the 'Roy' you were telling me about?" She whispered. Dick closed his eyes, afraid to admit the answer.

"Yeah, it's him."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: In this chapter, since Roy is kinda in a coma (God, this just keeps getting more soap opera-ish), I've decided to do Dick's POV. I really didn't want to do his POV, because I suck at it. So if you think I did a good job at Dick's POV, tell me.

There's no lemons in this one. Not even any wet dreams. Not even any harsh language! Yeah, I know this chapter kinda sucks but you have to know how Dick is feeling. Hope you enjoy it anyway.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Teen Titans or DC comics.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3: Battle Scars

Why did he do this?

How could he have tried to kill himself?

I'm disgusted, no sickened that he tried to commit such an atrocious act, even as I sit here staring at his comatose body. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I should be kissing him, or finishing what he intended to do.

Roy was lying in a bed in the infirmary. He had everything from an IV to a catheter. The only noise heard was the soft trickling of rain on the windows and the rhythmic beep on the heart monitor. I heaved a sigh and placed my hand on my forehead.

I do miss him. I've tried so hard for three years trying to erase memories of him. Sometimes they bring me comfort from reminiscing. Other times, I just ache and feel guilty for letting him go.

I'll admit that I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I've matured. I'm actually scared to find out if he's changed. I wonder if I'm just holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore.

How can I still love him when I haven't even talked or seen him in three years? Can love remain even though there hasn't been any contact? No, he's probably forgotten about me. We're just strangers now. It will take forever to build our friendship. He probably won't even try, since suicide is a sign that he's lost all hope.

When I saw him in that dingy apartment, my heart stopped. I felt him grow cold as I cradled his head. I heard his breathing stop and his disappearing heartbeats. I watched his life fade.

That couldn't happen to me. _Not again. _I would do everything in my power to prevent it.Losing someone you love, is like losing yourself. They influence your life so much. Their happiness brings you happiness. You can have stupid, silly conversations, then deep, emotional conversations, and then there are times when you don't need to say anything. They are your guides throughout life and it's so comforting to have them by your side. But when they're gone, all of that is gone. Missing them isn't even the half of it. They constantly haunt your thoughts. Your dreams become memories. The future seems like it will never be as warm as the past. You lose hope. That's when life seems meaningless. You should never take your friends for granted.

I ungloved my hand and wrapped it around his own.

I wonder if that made him attempt suicide. His life always appeared better than mine. He had traveled. He knew a second language and culture. He never had to undergo the intense, back-breaking training I had to. Ollie was never home so he could basically do whatever he wanted. Girls always fell for his charm. Everyone loves him and cares about him.

Girls never went after me. It always seemed like they were intimidated or scared of me. That's why I thought I was in love when Babs first kissed me. She seemed perfect. However, she led me down the garden path, that's when I found out she was a real bitch. I remember when she took me to see a movie on our 'supposedly' first date. It was a comedy, but I didn't laugh the entire movie. I just didn't find crotch-kicking and sex-implied jokes to be humorous. She asked me: _"Why can't you just be normal?" _

She didn't understand me, and I thought that no one would. Roy was my best friend who helped me through all of the rough times. Usually, with your best friend, you think that your friendship will remain platonic, but that wasn't us. I'm not sure what causes a relationship to stop being platonic. I could live without the sex, I just needed someone. I needed to reach out.

I squeezed his hand tight.

I curse myself for letting Bruce send me to Titans West without Roy. Bruce told me: "_Roy is too unstable. Not only does his temper fluctuate, but he's likely to go back to heroin again. You know as well as I do how difficult it was for him to quit. You shouldn't have to deal with him. He will just distract you and drag you down. Frankly, I'm ashamed that he is a fellow hero." _That last part always gets to me. Roy may have some bad habits, but Bruce completely ignored his good qualities. Why did I listen to him? I should have been arbitrary. Normally, I can agree with Bruce, but now I'm starting to question his judgment.

I looked at the wall clock. It was almost four in the morning.

This was Roy's second day in a coma. Nothing has really happened in the past two days. All of the Titans have been quiet and sullen; more than normal for Rae. Except maybe for Beast Boy's occasional gallows humor, which I try to ignore. As for me, I've been skipping meals and training sessions to be here in the infirmary.

When is he going to wake up! Impatience. That was one of the things Bruce tried to rid of me. I never had a choice. I never thought that becoming Robin would mean becoming Bruce. I'm just his clone. His orphaned, stoic, emotionless clone. Just because after he was orphaned, he never had hugs and kisses, doesn't mean he couldn't have hugged me. He didn't even have to hug me, he could have just let me be a kid for once. See, that's where I found refuge in Roy. Roy was the exact definition of 'child'. His irresponsible, optimistic and daring nature always had a strange resemblance to Peter Pan. He always brought out the 'lost boy' in me.

I stood up from the uncomfortable chair.

He looked so serene laying there. Almost as if he had a smile on his face. Like he died with a happy thought. What did he think about as he laid there on the floor, convinced that he was about to die? What would anyone think about if they had a minute to live? Maybe that one happy thought was the only thing that pulled him through.

I brushed one hand against the stubble on his cheek.

He has grown up. His hair color had changed from strawberry blonde to a dark auburn. I studied his face thoroughly. He had a strong, symmetric jaw line. He had long, doe-like eyelashes. Roy was practically unflawed. I noticed some small scars on his neck and forehead. They must be battle scars. Battle scars from hard work and determination.

No, he isn't the boy I knew. He's a man now, and so am I. I have to face the facts and deal with growing up. Sure, we won't be able to do the things we did as kids, but I don't think it was those things that made us close. It was something else; I can't really explain it. How do you define 'love'?

I bent down and pressed my lips against his. I pull away after a few seconds.

I used to think that love wasn't real; that it only happened in fairy tales. Bruce would tell me that love was just a feeling, like being happy or sad. He said that people can control their feelings. It's like happiness will wear off, just like love will die. I don't believe that. How can I **still **love him after three years? I'm not like Bruce, I can't just get over a relationship.

I ran my fingers through his oily hair, then skimmed my hand back across his stubble-covered neck.

Even though it looked like he was letting himself go, he was still magnificent to me.

I have to go to sleep. The other Titans have been bothering me about staying in here for too long.

I steal a second goodnight kiss and head towards the door. I stop in the doorway with my hand on the light switch.

It's comforting to know that he won't remember any of this when he wakes up. I feel like I just had 'a moment' with him, and he doesn't even know. If he's changed and doesn't love me anymore, I'll be okay just being friends. I still love him, and the one thing I didn't learn from Bruce is _"Take care of what you love." _I learned that from Roy.

I shut off the light and starting to shut the door.

"I love you, Roy."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: There's not much to say for this chapter. Dick is kinda obsessive over Roy. Raven helps, well forces, him to deal with it.

The word 'staff' does not equal penis, although a lot of the time you may think it does. No lemons in this one.

Oh I forgot, I want to thank Yourperfectdisaster, caltha, and Norris Finlay-Hybrid for the reviews.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Teen Titans or DC comics.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4: Dark Green

The buzzing fluorescent lights reflected off the clean tiles. The beams blinded my vision, so I tightly shut my eyes.

Two days ago, I brought in a cushioned chair and sat it by his bed. Sleeping in the seat, curled up with my knees to my chest, was better than sleeping on the hard floor. Even though I hadn't _really _slept in three days. I was just more comfortable this way.

For two weeks, I've anticipated his awakening. He's losing around two pounds per day. I'm really...worried. What if he stays like this for months? I've heard people can stay like this for years. When they finally become conscious, they have to learn how to walk and speak again. I can only hope that doesn't happen to him. He just has to wake up.

I sat up and looked over at his face.

He needed a bath, **bad**. The sordid odor lingering off of his body smelled like armpit sweat and horrible bad breath. However, that didn't change the way I feel about him.

A mosquito landed on his cheek. I jumped up and slapped.

For a brief moment, I thought I saw his eye twitch. Or maybe I'm just _hoping _to see his eye twitch.

The squished mosquito was smeared across his cheek. I licked my thumb and wiped off the remains.

Why do people cry at a person's funeral, but when a bug is killed, they hardly wince? Do primitive lives, such as mosquitoes, love? I wouldn't think so. They don't have the capacity to comprehend love. I don't think anybody does. Just when someone might think they understand the concept of love, a whole new level appears. Love has so many feelings, like happiness, sadness, jealousy, pain and pleasure, all morphed into one word. What causes love? Some believe in love-at-first-sight, while others think love takes time. When chicks hatch, the first thing they see is their mother and they are already attached to her. Same with infants, they feel the first surge of love and compassion when they feel their mother's warm, protective body. In some way, I hope Roy will feel that way when he opens his eyes. I'll be here for him; doing whatever it takes to make him well again...just so we can be together.

"Richard?"

I didn't need to turn to see who was saying my name. The raspy, monotone voice told me it was Rae. She silently floated across the room and stood by me.

"Please, just come downstairs and talk to us. The whole team is worried about you...Richard?" It had always annoyed me how she called me 'Richard' while everyone else called me 'Dick'. My mother always would call me that when I was in trouble.

I was silent and stared at Roy.

"Richard, answer me." Raven's usual emotionless tone now sounded desperate.

I swallowed the pool of saliva under my tongue.

"I just...need to stay here...with him." My broken speech was the effect of me not eating or drinking in days. No wonder I haven't left to go to the bathroom.

"No you don't need to stay by Roy every minute. He's going to be fine. He will wake up soon. I promise he'll be okay." She said. I looked up at her; she meekly smiled.

"How do you know?" I sounded so hopeless.

"You already know that I catch glimpses of the future."

It was unusual for Rae to be so optimistic.

She and I had become close friends in the past three years. Kory would always go to the mall to shop, Vic would go also, to check out the electronics, while Gar would just tag along with them. That would always leave Rae and me at the tower. At first, we were distant; she would go meditate somewhere, while I would train in the gym. One day, I went to the kitchen to get some water and Rae was in there, drinking her herbal tea. And we just started...talking. I found out that she was an interesting person. She thought that darkness was misunderstood beauty. I found that she was somewhat unsure of herself; probably a result from her paternal influence. I could confide in her, and that was comforting to know that she could keep secrets. Although, sometimes it was irritating how she could read my thoughts and detect my hidden emotions. That's how I think she found out that I was in love with Roy, and not with her.

"Richard?" Rae placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Roy is going to wake up. You will be together. I promise because...I know." Her smile faded. I lifted my left hand and put it on hers.

"Rae, I want you to know that I...love you."

"You love me the way you love the team; it's just platonic. You love Roy; he's your...soul mate." Her hand slid out from under mine.

"I thought my soul mate was supposed to be a woman." I argued. Rae just smiled at my aggressiveness, and sat on the armrest. She lifted my right hand, and felt my wrist.

"Everyone's pulse has two beats. A loud, strong beat at the beginning, then a quiet, soft one that follows it. It is said, that the second heartbeat is your soul mate's." Rae grabbed Roy's hand and let me feel his pulse. I placed two of my fingers on my carotid artery, while trying to concentrate on both of our heartbeats.

I couldn't believe it. She was right. Roy's pulse was perfectly sync with my own. My softer heartbeat was his stronger one, and vice versa.

I rested my head on the mattress.

I was restless before she came in, and now all of this philosophical-talk about soul mates, was making me fall asleep. I can't fall asleep, Roy needs to see me when he wakes up.

I lifted my head up and rubbed my eyes in a circular motion.

"You **need** to go to sleep." Rae advised. I violently shook my head.

"Yes, you do, but in your own bed."

"No, I have to stay awake. Roy has to see me first." My body ached and my neck strained. I yawned, while gripping the armrest and turning my sides to pop my back.

"Roy is going to love you even if you're not the first person he sees. We're not birds, Richard." I shot her a glare. She had been reading my mind before she even stepped foot in the infirmary.

"Rae, I have to stay here. He needs me." I continued to argue.

"You're tired from not sleeping and you're weak from not eating. I may force you to go to sleep, but be thankful I didn't shove an apple down your throat." She slowly raised her right hand. I was enveloped in black and was being lifted off of the chair.

"Rae, no! Just put me down! I need to stay here! Rachel!" I yelled and clutched the armrest, while my legs were levitating. Her magic ripped me off the chair and I drifted to my room. I kept on with my protests, even though there was nothing I could do. Rae laid me down onto my bed and covered me with the sheets.

"Rachel, I don't need to sleep! I need to watch Roy!" I struggled, but she just tightened the sheets and tucked the edges under the mattress.

"I'm only saying this one more time: Roy is going to be fine. Also, do you think Roy would want you to stop eating and sleeping just because he's in a coma?" She asked.

"Well, still-he...might-" My stuttering was cut off, because the rubies on her belt and cloak were blinking. Now the city was under attack.

"You stay here. By 'here' I mean your bed." Rae ordered. I thrashed, even though escaping was hopeless.

"I have to help! You guys need me!" I shouted. They can't just leave me here!

"You're weak. You need to rest. Trust me, we can handle it without you. Everyone doesn't always need the Boy Wonder... Now go to sleep." She said.

I realized that resisting was useless. She's right, without sleep I wouldn't be much help. Maybe I have been a little obsessive over Roy. _Don't let love distract you from your responsibilities_- Another Bat quote.

Rae smiled vaguely, then withdrew her powers and floated out of my room. I gently shut my eyes and relaxed; trying to rid my mind of all distractions.

Okay, sleep, sleep...

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

PANG

"_Aw, shit!" _

I instinctively rolled off my bed and onto the floor with a thud; already alert with my adrenaline pumping.

Someone was in the tower. The voice was a man's; too high to be Vic's, too low to be Gar's. The other Titans could not be back yet or I would have heard them coming in.

The clock read 7:42 pm.

Four hours of much-needed sleep should do me good in combat. Who would want to sneak into the tower? And how could anyone ever get passed Cy's security system?

I clipped on my utility belt, then silently walked down the hall. The vast, empty tower was extremely quiet.

He either ran away, or I'm expecting an ambush.

I slinked down the stairs, then stopped by the doorway of the kitchen. Hiding behind the door, I peered around the doorway to look inside.

The pot of stew that Victor had made, was spilled on the kitchen tile. No movements detected.

Suddenly, a fast hand came out from behind the kitchen island and snatched a knife from the countertop. I flung a dart from my utility belt, but it pinned itself onto the wooden cabinet. The person already had the knife and was ducking behind the kitchen island.

I have to admit, whoever is faster than one of my darts, they're obviously well-trained.

I removed my retractable Bo staff from my belt. I ran and jumped on top of the kitchen island, with staff ready to attack, but the man wasn't there. In that short amount of time, he managed to slip away. There was only one place where he could be.

The island had one wall that reached to the ceiling. He had to be behind that wall, there was no where else he could go. I smiled.

I got 'em.

I sneaked up to the wall. I knew he was on the other side. I could hear his faint breathing. My staff tightly gripped in my hand. A few deep breaths.

I rapidly swung myself around. The shining knife blade passed over my head. Everything was moving quickly and looked blurry. My staff knocked the knife out of his hand. He groaned as my long staff held him against the wall.

For the first time in three years, a pair of beautiful, dark green eyes gleamed back at me.


End file.
